Extremely Hard

There is an overwhelming emptiness to my heart. We are now on our seventh cycle ttc.
I have been crying all day long and really just an emotional wreck. I tested this cycle with negatives and it hurts so bad. I got digital even though that "Not Pregnant" was like a knife wound to my heart, at least I know it is accurate and very sensitive. With the FRED, I agonize going in there hour after hour, squinting and hoping I can trick my mind into seeing some type of line.

See, that's the thing. I *know* with all my heart I want another. That is why this is so agonizing, that and we had it for a brief moment before it was taken away. People say, be thankful for the two you have. That is what makes this hurt even more, because the two I have are so wonderful and so precious that I am SURE I am missing out by not having a third. I feel the boys are missing out, too. They both are rather obsessed with babies. Also, little Owen starts preschool in a couple of weeks(what did I do?). I am going to miss my little belly baby, BAD!!! Each day at the end of my cycle is terrifying to me. Especially if I get a negative result. It cuts me to the bone. Eddie thinks I should just wait and see for several days before testing again. My rationale is , but *if* I am, I can alleviate some of this hurt and pain that I am feeling every single day if I get that positive.

I bought a maternity shirt this weekend. I don't know why I do stupid stuff like this. I have to beg Eddie to let me. I guess if I buy maternity, it means there is still hope that I will be pregnant soon. I can't bear to lose that hope. Gosh, I hope I am just raging hormones and not sinking into depression. I just don't know how to be fully happy right now. I feel like I am missing so much.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. We sat and talked about a fertility plan for me and he gave me my third and final prescription for Clomid. I ovulate on Clomid and have a longer luteal phase than I have ever had when I have not been on meds. However, long-term Clomid use has been linked with Ovarian Cancer since it stimulates your ovaries so much. So for our plan of action: This cycle we are using Clomid. I should ovulate on day 15 or 16. Eddie is putting his boxer briefs away(sorry honey) and wearing boxers until we conceive. (Our thoughts on this are that since it has been over 100 degrees here for several weeks and he works in an a/c but still hot shop, the heat may be killing his sperm. We are hoping the boxers will help with this situation. Our boys were conceived in the spring and fall, respectively.) *If* we don't conceive this cycle(Lord, I am praying that we do) we will do two cycles without Clomid and then move on to Femara(an estrogen blocker drug that does the same thing as Clomid with fewer side effects). After several cycles of that, he would send me to Charleston to a fertility specialist(which our insurance does not cover).

I just feel so ragged and worn and am so ready to be pregnant. The boys start school the Wednesday after Labor Day. I am hoping that running them back and forth will keep me entertained and give me energy to get through this next two-week-wait. However, oh how I am going to miss the sleepy mornings with my belly baby. He is going to "baby scoo" as he puts it. ;)